Chronic Pain Sufferers Need Help
A day in the life: Chronic pain and the fear of prescribing medication to those who suffer has created a world where depression is more worrisome than the risk of overdosing on legitimate opioids
I didn't sleep much last night. It's a struggle to open my eyes. I know I'll be in pain for a while. Despite that, I gather the strength to sit up. I reach for my medications, the ones that help me function. I take the vitamins, all 13 of them. I don't know yet if today will be a good day with minimal pain and moderate energy. I lie back, read the news, and wait for the medicine to take effect.
Today, I feel okay. I say my prayers, brush my teeth, get dressed, and clean my bedroom. I have to take a break now, as pushing myself further could make my body uncooperative for the rest of the day. I experience a few pains here and there, but nothing that stops me from having a productive day.
It's 10 a.m. I walk upstairs to take care of the dirty dishes, plan something for dinner, check my bank account, and do some paperwork. But suddenly, I don't feel well. I sense a low-grade temperature starting. I always feel it in my eyes first, a burning sensation. I'm not dying, I'm not sleepy, but my energy drains away, my back burns, and my eyes ache. Frustration, guilt, and worthlessness set in. Thoughts race through my mind, repeating like a fire alarm with dead batteries. I tell myself to just shut up. Everyone's tired of hearing it. And honestly, so am I.
This condition has ravaged my former self. When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize who I've become.
I do the exercises my physical therapist has given me. Should I go for a walk today? I'd like to spend some time on the treadmill, but I fear it might make things worse and leave me bedridden for the day, maybe even two days.
I glance at the bed, and I hate that bed. I don't want to rest anymore. I'm tired of resting. My brain functions, but my body refuses to cooperate. I took my one allowed 5 mg Norco pain medication just to get out of bed, but its effects have long faded.
Tears used to be rare for me, but now they come too often. They have become familiar, signaling guilt, pain, and sadness.
It's 1 PM. I clean the living, dining, and kitchen areas. Why does everything have to hurt? My back cramps up, my hands cramp, and my neck burns. I had planned to make homemade rolls today, but I don't really feel like it. It feels like an extra burden. Nevertheless, I'll go ahead and do it, tackling one ingredient at a time, even if it takes me hours.
The shower brings some relief—warm water, fresh air, warm towels, and soft lotion. I get dressed and it's time to rest.
This used to be the time of day when I put on makeup and styled my hair, but my hair has been falling out and looks unkempt. Using makeup causes my skin to dry out or break out in a rash. So, I'll just brush my hair and pull it up, and my face will remain plain. These simple acts used to make me feel good about myself, refreshed in a way. Without them, I just feel lazy. I'm aware that there are worse problems, but my confidence, my ability to look in the mirror and feel happy about my appearance, has been stripped away. It's 3 PM.
As the day progresses my throat feels swollen. My back feels like it's going to break. My jaw is clenched.
It's 6 p.m., and I've reached the point in the night where I feel ashamed about not accomplishing as much as I wanted to. The constant fluctuations of a low-grade fever are draining.
In order to finish dinner and clean up, I decide to take half a pain pill, knowing that it means I won't have anything left for bedtime, which likely means I won't sleep well. The rest of the evening involves very little activity, just watching a movie and reading some substack articles.
Now it's 11:30 p.m., and I'll go to sleep, hoping and praying that tomorrow will be a better day.
To receive a daily dose of 10 mg for pain relief, I must agree to these conditions:
1. Be treated as if I were a drug addict.
3. Undergo monthly shots, without anesthesia, even in my sacroiliac joint (look it up) which unfortunately don't provide relief.
4. Urinate in a cup as if I were on parole.
5. Take the pills daily, regardless of whether I truly need them.
6. Refrain from taking additional pills on the days when I do need them, whether or not I truly require them.
Surely, this is not what was intended. Even in my cynicism, I find it hard to believe that the crackdown on opioids was meant to be dehumanizing, shifting control from those who suffer to doctors who are more concerned about lawsuits than helping those in pain. It feels like we've legalized pain and suffering when we have a treatment that can alleviate it. I've tried countless solutions—physical therapy, massage, chiropractic care, acupuncture, and enduring more steroid and epidural shots than any one person should ever have to. Contrary to the narrative being presented, these medications work. They do more than just alleviate the pain; they enable movement and allow for a decent quality of life.
No adult living with chronic pain should have to prove their suffering. I've undergone numerous tests, but they don't provide a clear answer, so they treat each symptom individually. Steroid packs provide some relief, but they aren't sufficient.
Those of us who experience chronic pain desperately need help. If you're living this nightmare, please share your experiences and comment. And if you have any knowledge about what might be wrong with me or know of any effective treatments, please reach out.
To those who may not believe that the risk is worth the reward, please be honest and tell me if you'd rather endure a lifetime of pain for a hundred years than live a fulfilling 75 years.
Just found your blog.
I hear you Brandy.
I feel like I’ve been on a down slope. Many of the things you’ve described I feel daily. Thanks for your honesty and always admire that You are all about Understanding what the hell is going on. Which then leads to you finding a solution if possible.
We need so much more of this style in everything.
Sorry about your situation with pain meds.
I had to jump off the pain meds train years ago. As I was using them as antidepressants and it alll became too much. This was way before fetynal showed up.
But I will say. If and when I find myself in a chronic pain situation. Yes. That’s what the medicine is for..
Get a new doctor. You can find one.
Got a friend with RA in her med 60’s.
Every day is a battle.
You are a force for all that is good.
Thank you
A family member passed away a decade ago, and he felt as you did (that he was being treated like a criminal, hated the constant drug tests, etc) for the prior 4 years. So the problem has been in the US for awhile. And it is a problem. I would like to see how many of the current fentanyl deaths are from
kids wanting a high, and how many from adults looking for pain relief who can't get it from their doctors.